This is all getting increasingly desperate. It’s not the porn itself that’s gotten worse. Well, it did get worse, briefly, not that you’re into everything that scrolls across your screen but you linger on some images too long and the Twitter algorithm starts showing you diaper fetish gooner captions more and more and then you realise you have edged twice to images of cartoon characters with big yellow wet patches overlain with text that tells you to smoke a bowl. You don’t even drink but whatever this is gets you dizzy though.

But no, so, it’s not the porn itself that’s gotten worse. It did get worse, briefly, but then it got better after you got really into three or four actual sex worker accounts, depending on how you count it, rather than an endless barrage of content that seemed to be degrading in quality in real time. And that was better, briefly, the sex worker accounts that is, because you only had so many posts to look at and so many previews for videos to see before you ran out of porn because the way the business model works is it’s enough to get you hot but if you want more than that you need to pay for OnlyFans or ManyVids or SubscribeStar or whatever, which you ought to do considering you’ve orgasmed at least five or six times just this evening, depending on how you count it, and that again over however long it’s been, not since the breakup but since you started feeling weird about the breakup. Maybe it was gradual, how the awkward feelings set in. Not the awkward feelings between you two that is. You get on great whenever you bump into each other. You do. But the awkward feelings within yourself of the idea that she’s having sex with someone and you don’t know who with and it’s probably really hot and better than you ever did it because if you were really that good at sex then you wouldn’t have broken up. Well, it was mutual, but it also wasn’t mutual.

Your hand feels kind of numb as you turn your vibrator on again. Your clit also feels kind of numb. You still have the dildo she would use to fuck you because her dick didn’t really stay hard and made her feel dysphoric, but it was your dildo she just really liked it cause it was in her colours, and that’s what got her into your bedroom when you first met, how you saw her colour coordination and wanted to flirt and pretty quickly you mentioned the dildo you had in orange and gold, which she went for and fucked you real hard with, hard enough that you couldn’t even orgasm until she stopped. Now when you think about that she’s sneering but you didn’t even see her face at the time because you had your own buried in a pillow. But she’s sneering in your thoughts. You orgasm again thinking about her sneering, thinking about how she was probably thinking about her friends who never liked you, one or two of whom she’s probably having sex with right now and it’s probably really hot and better than you ever did it, how your whole relationship was probably just an extended in-joke with them. You fantasise what and who she was probably fantasising about while fucking you. Your body hurts from the orgasm and you turn the vibrator off.

There is porn still on your phone screen, the porn which itself has not gotten worse but the fantasies attached to the porn have gotten increasingly desperate despite the awkward feelings which got worse only briefly and have since stayed at their current level of bad. You find the dildo amidst a pile of dirty clothes on the floor and find your lube as well which is in a different pile of dirty clothes on the floor and you push her inside you again while you watch a video of someone with a fat ass bounce up and down in their bedroom with their charging cables all over the floor and some art of Metal Gear Solid V on the walls out of focus but still recognisable if you know what it is. You elide the heat you feel from seeing a fat ass shake like that with the awkward feelings that reside between your guts and your chest and you fantasise about her doing the thing that you’re watching on your phone screen while simultaneously fantasising about her telling you off for fantasising about her this much after the breakup and how she probably just knows you’re doing this and is telling all her friends who never liked you about it, one or two of whom she’s probably having sex with right now. You do this thing where you perform this half yoga pose to bring your foot up to your crotch to hold the dildo in place, and you can feel the stretch on the inside of your thigh and the dildo isn’t as deep as it could be but it’s in you and you feel her in you and then you turn the vibrator on again and you think about the logistics of all this and about the fantasies you’re layering over the fifty second video clip you’re watching on loop, and when you get close to orgasm it feels like she’s there with you again and cares about you again even by way of hating you because that’s the worst part, how whenever you see her she says hi and is not just polite but genuinely nice in the way that she’s genuinely nice to everyone but then gets on with her day and doesn’t message you to say that it was nice to see you or anything.

One day soon, probably, you’ll get through whatever this is and you’ll do the same to her, be not just polite but genuinely nice, and then you’ll see how she likes it. Yeah. You’ll see how she likes it when she starts feeling awkward about you being nice to her and realises how hot it is to fantasise about you when you’re not interested, cause in this fantasy you’re not interested but she is and you’d get to be on the other side of whatever this is, and you imagine how that feels to be her, using her own vibrator on her dick that doesn’t really stay hard, with her colour coordinated clothes dirty and in piles on the floor, thinking of you being genuinely nice and not just polite to her whenever you see each other, how she would fantasise about you telling all your friends who never liked her, one or two of whom you would be having sex with, depending on how you count it, about her fantasising about you, which you would do because you do know she’s doing that in this fantasy, and she would just want you to message her even though you stopped finding her hot after the haircut with the side-shave that didn’t really suit her, and in the meantime all she can do is masturbate and watch videos on Twitter of people in their bedrooms shaking their asses with charging cables on the floor and video game posters on the wall.

You orgasm, and relax, and the dildo slips out which feels weird and the whole thing kind of hurts more and more and you’re still hot, which makes you more hot, and you don’t want to crash so you keep the vibrator on and let yourself get increasingly desperate.